H Houdini at gmail dot com?

Back in the day, when Google first started up “gmail,” I got one of the early invites to the service. Because I was present not-too-long-after the creation, I was able to pick a fairly straightforward user name that consisted of my first initial plus my last name. It was great, or at least it seemed great at the time. Sadly, even though my shiny new google email address was all mine, over time a lot of people began trying to use it. The reasons seemed various, but the simplicity of my address meant that:

• It was used as a made-up address to register for various types of online things, or given in answer when someone else kept bugging that person for their email address in any number of ways.
• Other people assumed they had the correct address for the person they were trying to email.
• A small of group of people apparently thought the email address was theirs somehow. They even tried to reset the password. But, you see, the reset email comes to me.

Anyway, what all this means is that I’ve gotten lots of crazy email over the years. Blow-by-blow accounts of drunken vacations across Europe, notices from coaches and choir directors, “special thanks” from businesses about “your inquiry.”

I do try to respond and tell people of their error. I’m always nice about it, unless the temptation to “put people on” is too great. For example, one email was intended for “Pastor Chris.” Update: I should note here that the email I received was sent to a group, and that one of included addresses was “@” DHS (Department of Homeland Security) dot gov.

Pastor Chris I know this is your down time, but (smile) if time permits you please take a look at the other two items in this email and send us your reply by Thursday, that is when our next meeting, after Thursday night [sic] we hope to have an idea what is needed budget-wise and be presenting it to you for your approval shortly.

Thank you,
Anniversary committee
EB

My response:

Dear Committee:
Thank you very much for your email, and for your acknowledgement that this is my (smile) downtime. I have no problem with providing input, but first, I must be completely candid and tell you that I am not (smile) pastor Chris. While my name is Chris, and I have no particular training as a pastor. Nevermind; on to the budget.

We will need to budget for plenty of office supplies, particularly sticky-notes. The brand does not matter, but I am partial to 3M. On to these sticky notes we shall write reminders to ourselves to check the accuracy of email addresses we intend to use for the official business of the anniversary committee. If necessary, we shall affix these sticky-notes to our foreheads. This will allow others to see the reminders, even if we cannot remember ourselves.

Further, if we work for some government agency, say, the Department of Homeland Security, we shall refrain from using that email address to conduct the business of the committee. The anniversary committee, while it no doubt conducts important work, should not “gum up” (smile) the email of the DHS. Write this admonition on a sticky note. Affix it to your forehead if necessary, then pause and get a Gmail account.

All Best Wishes and Regards,

Not-a-Pastor, Chris

Recently, I got some hip-hop — nothing in the message but a sound file. The subject line read “song.” The linked mp3 file below is an excerpt.

Roll Up (Excerpt):

Of course, the message demanded a musical response. Fortunately, I had a short Garageband track I had already composed that would fit the purpose well. All that was necessary was to add an extra vocal, and voila!

Email Wrong: